yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
