I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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