I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
then he tried to convert me to islam
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
