Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
