Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
