Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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