True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
