I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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