she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
