What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
