Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
