At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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