oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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