capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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