the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
