this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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