I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
