I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
