You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
