Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
