3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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