Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
