Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize