It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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