so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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