I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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