I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
