battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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