I must be too annoying 4 u.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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