my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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