my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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