my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
