we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
