3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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