my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
