I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
