Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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