Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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