Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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