Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
