morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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