We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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