I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
