I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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