Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
