well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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