I think I won the penis lottery.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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