Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i think we sleep fucked last night...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
