I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
