She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
