i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
