I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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