Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
