Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
