benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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