roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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