capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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