her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
